Posted by: youluckybum | April 20, 2010

Assertive and Meek


I have always considered myself a strong personality.  I think people that know me would agree.  I usually can make up my mind about something and move with it.  I dont usually hesitate too long about something unless I am trying to get more information to make a decision.  I don’t really think I poll the neighborhood to decide something. 

Yet lately I realize that I am not strong when it comes to myself.  I have basically rolled over and played dead for years.  Why is that?  Why did I give all my power away like that?  Low self-esteem?  That is definitely an aspect of it for sure.  I realized years ago that I valued who I was mostly from what I did.  If I was productive and industrious, I was good.  If not, then I was of less value. 

But the assertive or strong versus meek question is troubling to me.  Why?  Because I am owning that this is what I did.  I gave away my own self and I now can not blame anyone else.  But I want to!!  I want to blame a couple of people.  I want to feel justified in my years of struggle, self-doubt and disempowerment.  I want it to be someone else’s fault.  Sure it would have been nice if my own husband would have supported me in my quests.  But come on, no one else is truly responsible for my happiness.

So now I am taking stock of the fact that I spent so many years being unhappy and it is no one else’s fault.  It is my fault.  AND now that I know that and am trying to accept that (no easy task), the bigger issue is the present and the future.  I have to change.  I have to walk my own walk, talk my own talk and watch myself pretty closely.  Why?  Two reasons.  One, I have history with several people that I give my power to.  I have been angry at them for not taking care of me.  In fact, they both pretty much ignored me and I just kept telling myself, if I worked harder, did better, was skinnier, they would come around.  Yikes! 

Secondly, it is a pattern with me that I do not want to repeat in any way.  I have spent most of my life emotionally, mentally and spiritually alone.  But physically I have turned to others, or grabbed them or clung to them.  And I need to let go of that unpleasant pattern and go it alone. 

Going it alone is not just about the physical aspect of having someone around.  It is also the fear of being alone.  That is definitely there.  And the most important part is the assertive versus meek thing.  I do not want to turn into a bear because I am afraid that if I don’t I will be run over by someone, or give my power to them again. 

I often tell my kids that “you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”  And I so believe this.  My desire is to walk alone for now, and to walk softly enough but not repeat old patterns.  In other words, I want to be my own person, but I want that person to be someone I am proud of, happy with and feel good about.  Not a bully or a bear.  To be strong but not stubborn.  To be kind but not meek.  To be a friend, but not a mother.  To be the me I know is in here.

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