Posted by: youluckybum | April 25, 2010

Who Am I?

I am pondering who I am today.  Am I the person I want to be?  Am I doing to others what I would want them to do to me?  Pretty basic question.  And yet?  Sometimes the answer is no. 

I have been hurt, embarrassed, lied to, cheated on, ignored and abandoned.  So do I respond in kind?  Or do I take “the high road”?  Ugh!

I know the answer.  And the answer makes me feel better and worse. Better because I do know who I am and I do have a responsiblity to myself to be able to sleep at night and look myself in the mirror. Worse because I carry a sense of entitlement.  I am angry, hurt, devastated, in pain and shock.  I want some sort of revenge or pay-back.  I want to go into my victim mode and stay there.  (Already did that for months, however).  But I also am not 10 years old anymore.  I know I am acting childish and immature.  And I know I really don’t like myself much when I am in victim mode.  The thoughts and feelings are always negative, always self-destructive and never empowering.

So how do I make peace with the conflict?  The desire to lash out and hurt someone that hurt me versus treating them the way I want to be treated? I am not sure.  But I do know who I want to be and I am finally beginning to treat myself as well as I have treated others.  So I will take the high road and I will feel proud of myself and happy that I know who I am!


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