Posted by: youluckybum | May 9, 2010

Allowing versus Resisting


Seems there are a lot of these opposite themes in my life.  I see what I don’t want, so I try and understand what I do want by looking at the opposite aspects.  For example, I am being asked/pushed into a different realm at work.  I have been kicking and screaming the whole way.  I feel like the cat poster where the cat is clinging to the wall by it’s nails, screaming “No, I dont want to go!”

So my resistance is huge to say the least.  But instead of looking at that, I start thinking about how unfair it is to be asked/pushed into something I dont know anything about and dont want to do.  This tug-of-war goes on for over a month.  I do not want to move into a different department.  I want to stay where I am, and yet I can see that I am almost caught up with all that I am doing there and pretty soon there won’t really be anything left to do.  Still I don’t move.  I just think about how I can’t do what they want me to do.

Until now.  The owner corners me and sits in front of my desk and pretty much says, “Why aren’t you doing what I want you to do?”  I stop making excuses.  I just listen.  I listen and I try to let go of all my resistance.  But the little voice inside me is screaming, “Why don’t YOU do it?”  Luckily, I don’t say that.  I pretty much don’t say anything.  I do listen though. I listen and try not to come up with any excuses (outwardly).

I realize sometime in that conversation that I am afraid.  I am afraid to move into unknown territory.  I am afraid to try something new.  I am afraid because I do not want to fail or disappoint or bomb.  Mostly disappoint I think.  Which really pulls me up by my ears.  I am really surprised at myself.  I have always wanted to please people, but this is almost ridiculous.  My desire to please and do a good job is getting in the way of doing just that.  Wierd!

The good news is my shift in perception about all this has allowed me to work on my fear.  I have resisted this move because I do not know how to do this job and I am afraid of my lack of knowledge and experience.  This is the downside of the move.  The up side of the move is that no one is really telling me how to do it, so I can pretty much do it any way I want.  That is usually where I like to be.  I like doing things my own way.  So…I am moving.  Moving to the new department, moving through my fear and moving into allowing of all that will be.

I am grateful for this experience.  It is causing me to look at myself differently. Do I pass up opportunities due to fear?  Yes.  Do I want to continue to do that? No.  I am looking at my life with new lenses.  As I make this move at work, and face my fear of failure, I have the opportunity to use the same insight in other areas of my life.  As I see or feel myself resist something, I am hopeful I will be aware of it and choose to allow the changes instead of fear the changes.

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Responses

  1. What we resist persists. Good for you for working through your fear. Change can be a very good thing!
    Have a beautiful Sunday.

    Debra : )
    The Warm Milk Journal
    http://www.TheWarmMilkJournal.com


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