Posted by: youluckybum | June 10, 2010

Moving Forward and Looking Back


I feel like I am walking forward, moving forward, but that my head and neck are turned looking back over my shoulder.  That is exactly how I feel.  I want to look forward and move forward and focus on the future.  Yet part of me is still looking back.  Why?

I think because the past is familiar.  I know it.  It wasn’t very good and it got really uncomfortable, but it was familiar.  I know it.  I don’t have any fear of it, other than being stuck in it.  And I guess the longer I am away from it, the better.  After 28 years, it is hard to let go even when it wasn’t very great anyway.

To be honest, I didn’t realize how awful it was until it was over.  Now that we are done, I look back and cringe at what I put up with, and maybe what he put up with too.  I realize that I have spent most of my marriage completely alone emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.  So why have I been so resistant to letting go?  Letting go of what?  What exactly did I have that I don’t now?  Basically the familiarity of a routine and the bills getting paid.

So why am I looking back over my shoulder?  Why would I want to hold on to any of that?  I think the grief, pain, shock and surprise has to take it’s course?  Maybe I am not so much wanting the past back, as I have not caught up with the future yet.  That feels accurate.  It is hard to focus on the future when I am still licking my wounds, sorting thru the ashes and trying to figure out who I am.

I have totally been surprised at how much of me has disappeared over the years.  I really don’t know who I am and what I am capable of anymore.  That is totally my own fault and I am really shocked at myself.  I find myself doing something so out of character for who I thought I was and I laugh.   I am often surprised at what I can do, or what I want to do.

But mentally, I really am ready to focus on me and my future.  I would really like to move myself away from looking back over my shoulder.  I can actually feel how this has affected me physically.  Shoulders and neck are tight and uncomfortable.  So why stay there?  I need an emotional chiropractic adjustment!

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Responses

  1. I love reading your posts – this one though I really resonate with and feel your pain. Moving forward yet looking through the rear view mirrow at what’s behind will definately hold you up and create more challenges. We know we can’t change the past, just live in the moment that is ‘now’. You are courageous, you have worked so much out – I congratulate you. Took me a lot longer 🙂 As you may know I work with women who feel they’ve lost the essence of who they are, they find using NLP and Time Line Therapy helps them to let go of the past so they have a clear look at now and towards their future. It’s exciting stuff. If you fancy a chat sometime, it would be great to talk 🙂 Ali


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