Posted by: youluckybum | September 21, 2010

I am Free!


I have recently realized that I am free.  I am free to do whatever I want.  I am no longer responsible for anyone else.  My kids are grown, my husband has moved on, and now it is my turn.  My turn to focus on me and do what makes me happy.  Sounds great right?

It is great.  It is heady though.  Or maybe I should say, that’s the story I have been telling  myself.  Maybe it isn’t heady or difficult at all.  Maybe it is as simple as living in the moment and doing what feels right.  Although that isn’t necessarily easy either.  Or so I have always thought.

As my awareness of my freedom has emerged, so has my realization that my thoughts are often not very freeing.  My tendency to think, “yes, but what about my job?” or “who will take care of the house and dog?” have definitely been roadblocks in my life of “freedom.”

I am getting there though.  I am creating it.  I now have a job that is extremely flexible and I can pretty much go anywhere at any time and still get a lot done and get paid for it.  So there is no, “yes, but…” there.  I also know that if the opportunity to travel somewhere magnificent came up, I would figure out the house and the dog.  Those issues would be resolved and I would go.  That is huge and positive and definitely steps in the right direction for my new found freedom.

I think realizing I am so free has actually stressed me out more than not.  I am so free and yet I have no plan, no direction, no focus and no real understanding (yet) of what I am wanting in regards to location or career.

On the other hand, I am enjoying this new realization.  I am enjoying checking in with myself and just moving along in the direction that feels right at the time.  I am a planner, and long term planning is just not happening right now.  I think I finally get that.  And I think that it is good for me on some level.  I can be flexible and change my plan, but I usually have a plan or a goal.  Now I am kind of flying by the seat of my pants.  It is very different and old habits die hard.  My thoughts want to “figure out” everything.  And there are just too many missing puzzle pieces right now.  I can focus on today and this week and maybe even this month, but that’s about it.  The big decisions about moving, getting a new job, etc etc are just not going to be made right now.

Living in the moment is more difficult when I have no long term plan.  That sounds so illogical!  But it is true.  I find myself spending a lot more time on the big picture than being in the moment.  It’s like I keep trying to “figure it out” when clearly there is no such thing right now.

I can tell you that I want to travel.  I can tell you that I want to have another means of income.  I can tell you that I want to start and finish some building and landscaping projects.  I can tell you that I want to spend more time with my sister and brother.  I can pick small pieces of the puzzle up and identify them.  But that’s it.  The puzzle is huge, gorgeous, exciting, fun, happy, healthy, wealthy, full of love and laughter and adventures of all sorts.  But I dont have all the pieces, and maybe I never will.  Maybe that is really the lesson.  Our life puzzles are ever-changing and so are we.  We can only enjoy the pieces of the puzzle we have and maybe even wish for some of the new pieces.  But we are never really able to see the whole puzzle, the whole picture at once.

So the pieces of my puzzle right now are more about freedom and creation and hope than anything.  I can live with that!

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