Posted by: youluckybum | October 1, 2010

The Victim in Me

After twenty-eight years of marriage to a man who neglected and ignored me, it’s over.  It was over a long time ago really.  I just didn’t know it.

After twenty-eight years of neglecting and ignoring myself, it’s over.  I only recently realized I was doing it and now I am not.

The difference in these two statements is that I can not escape myself.  I can not run away, have an affair or lie and cheat my way into another reality.  I have to face the truth.  Both truths.  He was a terrible husband and I was a terrible steward of my own life, love and desires.

I gave myself away.  I gave myself to him, his family and eventually my own children.  I did what everyone wanted and expected me to do.  And I can blame them, but that would be a band-aid on the wound.  The truth is I did not stay true to myself.  Sadly, I had very little self to stay true to.  I thought I was being who I wanted to be and who I was supposed to be.

I do know I wanted to be a Mom and I had some wonderful Mom times.  I would not trade that away for anything.  I also know I really loved him.  He was bright, funny, kind and considerate.  But I looked to him to help me, assist me, support me, and maybe even save me.  He didn’t do it.  He didn’t show up in my life at all after we moved closer to his family.  Hell he couldn’t even make it to baby classes with me.

I started to eat.  I started to read.  I started to escape, if only in my mind.  He had committed himself to his family-his parents and brother.  The kids and I were left to fend for ourselves emotionally, physically and mentally.  Not financially.  As he now points out whenever pressed, he  “paid for everything.”  Not true, but in his mind it is, so that’s fairly interesting.  Money=Love and Support?  Guess I should have joined a tennis club and had my nails done once a week instead of working in his family’s business for 18 years.  My contributions were apparently also not valued.

The point of this blog is really my role in all of this.  I am angry, hurt, shocked and enraged at his behavior, his dishonesty, his premeditated affair and his ability to come back and pretend nothing happened for 6 weeks afterwards. (What kind of a person does something like that?)  But what kind of a person allows their marriage to get to that point?  Who am I to not take better care of myself?  Who am I not to leave a marriage that was so loveless for so long? Who am I to actually have spent three months in a fetal position wanting him back?

I don’t really have answers for all those questions. I have a lot of shame about it though.  I tried to leave once and the reality was I couldn’t afford it and I was really trying to leave his family more than him.  In fact, I thought that once I got out, he would have an easier time of following me and then our lives could begin again.

Our lives are beginning again.  Just not together.  He is with HER (woman who sleeps with married men) and he has moved away (thank God).  I am here being Mom to two grown children and working through my own issues.  Working through the Victim in me and seeing the Woman that I truly am emerge.  So far, I like what I see.


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