Posted by: youluckybum | December 12, 2010

Trust and/or Lemonade

My mother use to call every negative thing that happened to me a “character-building experience.”  By the time I was twelve or thirteen, I had decided I had enough “character” and the Gods could move on to the next kid.  Then the saying, “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade” came into popularity.  This funky psycho babble stuck with me for quite a while, and I genuinely did look for the pearl inside the oyster, etc. etc.

As an adult, I realized early on that I learned the most from the  “character-building, lemon-producing” times in my life. Painful as they may have been,  these events are the ones that helped me become a better person, usually.  The good times gave me joy, scrapbooks full of pictures and a warm feeling in my heart.  But the tough times helped me to learn compassion, empathy, strength, determination, honesty, generosity and humility.

I have recently had a new notion about all of this and it has to do with trust and maybe even faith.  I am beginning to think that when life hands me a lemon, my degree of resistance or refusal to accept the circumstances has a direct relation to the outcome.  The more I fuss and fight, the worse the whole situation becomes.  The less I do so, the easier and less complicated it seems to be.

This doesn’t seem to be such a spectacular realization but it truly is; for me anyway.  When my brand new cell phone wouldn’t let me unlock it this past weekend, I started to do what I always do.  I got online and looked to see what other people did and how to fix it.  Then I went digging for the paperwork so I could take it back (an hour’s drive one way!) and get a new one, etc, etc.   As I got in the shower trying to not get myself worked up about my brand new phone not working, I relaxed and realized that maybe I was supposed to get a new phone and that for some unknown reason, this was actually a blessing in disguise.

As that thought popped into my mind and my body started to relax, my son appeared in the hallway and I asked him about it.  In less than 60 seconds, he had the battery out, put back and the phone working perfectly again!  Wow!

So as I relax into the “character-building lemons” of my life, I do believe the solution, or answer or next logical step appears soon thereafter.  It is definitely worth a try.  What have I got to lose?

Posted by: youluckybum | December 4, 2010

What’s Really Important

With Thanksgiving over, the kitchen back to normal (almost) and the Christmas Tree already soaking in a bucket of water in the garage, I am really trying to take this time of year one day at a time.  This will be our first Christmas together without the father/husband figure with us.  How do you compensate for that?  As the soon-to-be ex-wife I have my own wounds about the whole thing.  How my two grown children see it is a completely different matter.  This man who I now realize was never the man I thought he was, is still my children’s  father.  They have a connection to him that is very different from mine, and they always will.  Some of their own mental health and psyche depend on them moving not away from this man, but towards him.  They will always want his approval and they will hopefully always have a connection to him.  Not so for me.

So our needs on this subject are very different.  My tendency is to be very grateful he is not in the state and I pretty much hope I never see the man again.  This is of course, not the way the kids view it.  Nor do I want them to.  I do want the three of us to move on and start some new traditions,  create some new memories and have a wonderful Christmas that doesn’t feel like something or someone is missing.

Luckily, we have dear family friends coming for Christmas Day which will help this a lot.  Christmas Eve will definitely be different because we have changed the focus from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day this year. So, in reality it all is going to be different from a logistics standpoint.  Ultimately, we just have to decide to move on and do the best we can.

In retrospect, all those years of having someone physically present, but emotionally unavailable makes this Christmas easier for me in the long run.  This may also be true for the kids as well.  Who knows? We will be together and I am looking forward to new traditions and memories.  That’s what is really important!

Posted by: youluckybum | November 17, 2010

When I see something I do not want

Lately I have been very aware of  hearing or seeing something negative and being pulled out of my own great positive space.  I will walk into work with a joy factor of 8 and something will be happening and all of a sudden I am not feeling so great any more.  I can feel my resistance to what ever it is and I can feel my good feeling fading away.  I begin to grasp at anything and everything to make myself feel better again.  But it is like there is a giant elephant in the room.  As I resist looking at the negative situation, I just pull myself into too many pieces and then I really don’t feel good.

My co-workers were all beginning to feel the same way, so we did a focus wheel at work on Friday afternoon.  It was a bit tedious.  Realistically, we knew that life isn’t always perfect or even great. We knew  that we would always have times of adversity or resistance.  We also knew we didn’t want the negative things that occur around us to affect us so much. In other words, we want to be able to live and experience our lives, but not be so reactive in our life.

The focus wheel brought us to the realization that we all needed a “happy place” in our minds.  Someplace we could go, some song we could sign, some feeling we could muster. As our attention to the unwanted issue drifted to our happy place (or at least away from that which was unwanted) we felt better.  The mere distraction of thinking about something else was the key.  Now our focus was shifted, our minds had let go of that unwanted thing and we were able to breathe again.

As simple as this sounds, it is not always easy to do.  When someone is in your face it is a real challenge to simply think a better thought.  But a new piece to this puzzle was revealed to me in a dream the night after we did the focus wheel at work.  Think about gratitude. Just find something to be grateful for.  This is easy, quick and can be done even in a tense situation.  I can definitely find something to be grateful for even when I am talking to a grumpy customer or dealing with an office tension.

Try it.  The next time someone or something knocks you out of your bliss, try being grateful for something.  It is impossible to stay focused on the unwanted AND be grateful for something at the same time.

Posted by: youluckybum | November 15, 2010

Everyday is a Good Day!

I have decided that I can have a good day whenever I want.  If my perspective and attitude are on the positive, then every day is a good day.  It is very similar to looking at the glass half full. But having a good day is more encompassing.  It requires looking at something that is possibly not what I want, and making the conscious effort to realize it, and to pivot away from it.  Pivoting away from something is easier if I begin to think about what I do want.

We have had several great discussions about this at work.  We are all in agreement that the contrasts of our lives may not be very comfortable sometimes, but they are somewhat necessary.  Without them, we really don’t grow or learn or expand.

Think about it.  Do you consciously appreciate a quiet neighbor?  Or once you have had a loud neighbor, do you then appreciate a quiet neighbor?  Do you wake up every morning and freely appreciate that you can get out of bed on your own and that you feel great? Or only after you have been down with something icky and really sick, do you appreciate your good health?

This seems to be the way our lives really unfold.  Take something for granted until its gone or looks and feels different, wish you had the former back again and then appreciate it tremendously when and IF you get it back.  Or you decide you really don’t need it after all.  Either way, there is still the swing of the have or have not of most things.

So with that in mind, every day is a good day.  Every day either gives us what we want, or shows us what we don’t want.  Either way it is a good day.

Posted by: youluckybum | November 7, 2010

Focus Wheels

I love focus wheels.  I love the way they soothe me into a different space or emotion.  I also love showing other people how to do them.  I have had such dramatic positive results with focus wheels that I am always eager to teach the idea to someone.  And I am constantly amazed at how many people don’t use them even after they know how.

I am definitely one of the luckiest people I know because we talk about Law of Attraction at work EVERY DAY!  We actually have an “Abraham” meeting with the whole office every morning!  How amazing is that?!

I have taught everyone at work how to do focus wheels and they love doing them together at the office.  But none of these people do them at home alone.  Together, we have done many and so I know they all know the process.  But somehow or other they believe they can’t do them alone.  So maybe teaching the process isn’t enough.  Or maybe we all have to come to our own processes as we are ready or as we need them.  Either way, I am here to tell you that Focus Wheels work for me and I will get up and do them in the middle of the night when I am tossing and turning.

I have some Focus Wheels that are not even complete.  I just have focused on what I DO want in the center and done enough positive, downstream statements to support what I want that I get half way done and I can feel that my energy on the subject has changed and I am relaxed and feeling good and I just don’t need to go any further in that moment.

I encourage you all to try doing a focus wheel on a subject that has you upstream or frustrated or irritated or unsettled.  Write down the opposite of what you are looking at (what you DO want) in the middle of a piece of paper.  Then likes spokes on a wheel, come up with a sentence or two to support what you are wanting.

The key to this is to back up to a place where you feel good.  Do really general statements or affirmations first.  This allows you to feel good about the subject and be ready for the next best thought.

For an example, I will think, “I want to lose weight.” So in the middle of the piece of paper, I would write that desire in a positive way. “I want to lose weight” is not exactly the most positive way to say it.  I think I would use, “I want to feel and look good in my clothes.”  Something like that.  A statement that is truly a positive desire.

Spoke #1 would be something pretty general and positive to get me started like, “I know that Law of Attraction will bring to me what I am thinking about, and I love thinking about feeling good.”  This is a pretty easy, general statement that allows you to feel more positive than negative.  Then, do spoke #2, adding spokes until you have 10 to 12 or until you can really FEEL the difference in your desire.

Spoke #2 could be something like, “I love knowing there is nothing I have to DO.  I just need to FEEL good!”

Spoke #3: “I love looking and feeling good.  I love moving in the direction of what I am wanting.”

Spoke #4: “I know my body is constantly balancing itself at all levels.  I love knowing that I am always moving towards health and well-being.”

These statements are not drastic.  They just soothe me into a place of allowing.  I am not telling myself I have to limit calories, or run an hour a day.  The point is to focus on what I am wanting in a way that allows me to feel better and more hopeful than I did before.

Try a focus wheel or two!  When you get to the place that a thought has definitely made you feel better about what you are wanting, you will understand my enthusiasm for focus wheels.  They are definitely worth the time and effort.  Enjoy!

Posted by: youluckybum | October 31, 2010

What are you Becoming?

After surfing through WordPress looking at the blogs on Law Of Attraction, and listening to my latest Abraham CD, I feel compelled to write this question: What are you Becoming?  Abraham discusses the topic of becoming and I think it is a wonderful way to look at where you are verses where you want to be.

I can only speak from my own experience with any real truth.  My experience lately has been that I have not been looking and thinking about where I am going or what I am becoming.  I have been thinking about where I am and what I am not becoming.  Huge difference in these thoughts and in the feelings of these two perspectives.

Take just one of your negative thoughts today and turn it around.  Just one.  As you read this blog and think about how you should be doing something else, stop and turn that thought around.  Think about the person you are becoming.  Think about how great it is that you are on a journey of self discovery.  Think about how much you have learned, how much you have grown and how much happier or contented you are now than you were a year ago.  Think about this time next month.  What will you be doing? Where will you be? What will have changed in your life in a positive way?  Think about who you are becoming?  Are you becoming more organized? More relaxed? More athletic? More confident? More creative? Happier? More adventurous? What? What are you Becoming?

Go there in your mind or on a piece of paper.  Write the story with as much detail as possible.  Get into it.  Focus on it, be there with it and FEEL how great it is!  The feeling may last a long time or just be a flicker.  No matter.  Just go there in your mind’s eye and in your heart as much as you can, as often as you can. And then wait and watch.  Approach it as you would your birthday or Christmas; with anticipation.

As this coming week flies by, enjoy the signs that begin to show you your story!  They are there!  Sometimes very subtly at first, but they are there and they will continue to grow bigger and louder as you get better at your new story of becoming.

I would even suggest doing this with several things at the same time.  Then your focus is not so narrow and you are not so likely to think some negative thought of disbelief.  Negative thoughts are the eraser to your new story.  They can negate your becoming anything.  But they can also help you to understand where you are on any given subject.  So don’t just try to push them away.  Look at them and examine them if they are big and bulky in your story. They can help you figure out what you may want to become next (more positive), or guide you to another avenue of self-discovery that you might not of taken (classes, coaching, reading, etc).

With great anticipation I ask you again, Who are you becoming?

Posted by: youluckybum | October 24, 2010

Defining What I Want

I have decided that contrary to popular belief, I am going to think about and maybe even write down what I want.  As a child we were somehow discouraged from this.  I remember daydreaming in school and how that didn’t work out so well for me.  Teachers wanted me to be present and pay attention.  I understood that and eventually the ability to daydream, zone out or fantasize about a different reality or time was pretty much gone.

Now I want it back.  I think it serves a great purpose.  I think focusing on what I want helps me to be clear. This clarity helps when choices do need to be made. It also offers up possibilities.  Instead of choices being so black or white, there really can be shades of gray.  For example, if I am wanting to go on a trip and that’s all I really think, then the trip is not very clear or even exciting.  But if I say I want to go to Europe and spend at least a month, now the mind’s eye picture is much more vivid and alive.  There is a flutter in my heart and the possibilities of that trip come flooding in like crazy.  The excitement for me is truly there.

Why is that important?  Because with clarity and excitement the true possibility is born. My options become clearer and my actions towards my goal can be plotted out.  Do I have a valid passport?  What is the best time to go weather-wise or vacation-wise? etc. etc.  Once I am able to really start thinking logistically then the reality of my desire is so much more attainable.

Compare all that to, ” gee it would be nice to go somewhere, sometime.”  Big difference.  So let the defining begin!  From mundane tasks such as cleaning up the kitchen to joyful tasks such as buying a new suitcase, I think being more specific and as focused as possible, is the key to a joyful, productive and satisfying life.

Posted by: youluckybum | October 16, 2010

The “Condition” of Money or Health or ?

My ah-ha moment this morning was realizing that having money or not having money, feeling good or not feeling good are all conditions.  They are not permanent, nor are they really finite.  “Having money” or “not having money” is a very personal and skewed thought.  So is every other “condition” we can think of.  So if my “having money” looks and feels totally different from your “having money”, I think I am safe to say it is a personal choice or announcement. So really all our “conditions” are  personal and pretty much self-described and maybe even self-inflicted.

I can always find some reason or excuse not to be happy.  But the idea that I have to be “condition” free to allow myself happiness is really self-destructive and crazy.  And the more I dwell on a “condition”, the worse it usually gets.  No amount of worry or self-doubt is going to change my “condition.”  But realizing that this “condition” is temporary and not my fault and not necessarily something I have to “fix” is pretty great.

Better yet, the feelings of possibility start to stir.  This “condition” is not permanent. Nothing is.  So instead of obsessing about it, how about seeing as just that; a temporary condition?  The sooner I can really feel that, the sooner I feel better.  And the better I feel, the clearer my thoughts and ultimately the happier I am.

Another way to put this is: Do you even remember what your worries or “conditions” were this time last year, last month or last week?  So why spend so much mental time and energy at them?  Why not be more present in your life and try to remember today for as long as you can?

Posted by: youluckybum | October 13, 2010

Tell a different Story

I was listening to a CD in my car yesterday and the woman was telling stories from her childhood.  This made me think about my own story.  What is my story?  I know what my old story was.  But now I need a new story.  I am in transformation and I truly need a new story.  The old story is tired and worn out and pretty much irrelevant now.

What is my new story? Transformation for sure.  Transformation from wife and mother to self-empowered woman.  I will always be a mother, but my need to mother my children is done.  And their need for mothering is pretty much done too.

So who am I?  Maybe more importantly, who do I want to be?  I am pretty much basking in the feeling of freedom that comes over me every now and again.  The realization that I can go where ever I want, whenever I want is sinking in.  And I gotta tell you; I LOVE IT!

Somewhat like being in a candy store or at a gourmet food buffet, I get to choose!  And choose I do!  I have chosen to go away for the weekend of my 29th wedding anniversary (we are in the middle of a divorce), I have chosen to go to a Three Dog Night Concert on my birthday weekend, and I have chosen to go to some community classes on all sorts of things.  All very different and fun!  And not what I would normally do.

Trying to define who I am, or what my story is right now is too overwhelming.  I can say with some certainty what I am not, and what is not part of my story now.  But where my life is leading me in this current phase, I really don’t know.  And maybe that’s the point.  Maybe I don’t have to know?  Maybe I can enjoy it for what it is; undefined.  At least for now.

I do think spending some time on the story I want is valuable.  I think that is probably another post in itself.  But for now I am grateful that my life has really striped me of my old story.  It is just not current or even in existence anymore.  This is good.  Scary, but good.

I would not have made all the changes in my life that a cheating husband causes you to make.  It just wouldn’t have happened.  But it did.  And now I see the rainbow.  Now I see the positive aspects of what was probably the hardest challenge of my life.  And I am grateful and happy.  I am free of a depressive, oppressive relationship and I am free to move into the me that I want to be.  And hopefully the me I was meant to be.  That is my story.  How about you?

Posted by: youluckybum | October 1, 2010

The Victim in Me

After twenty-eight years of marriage to a man who neglected and ignored me, it’s over.  It was over a long time ago really.  I just didn’t know it.

After twenty-eight years of neglecting and ignoring myself, it’s over.  I only recently realized I was doing it and now I am not.

The difference in these two statements is that I can not escape myself.  I can not run away, have an affair or lie and cheat my way into another reality.  I have to face the truth.  Both truths.  He was a terrible husband and I was a terrible steward of my own life, love and desires.

I gave myself away.  I gave myself to him, his family and eventually my own children.  I did what everyone wanted and expected me to do.  And I can blame them, but that would be a band-aid on the wound.  The truth is I did not stay true to myself.  Sadly, I had very little self to stay true to.  I thought I was being who I wanted to be and who I was supposed to be.

I do know I wanted to be a Mom and I had some wonderful Mom times.  I would not trade that away for anything.  I also know I really loved him.  He was bright, funny, kind and considerate.  But I looked to him to help me, assist me, support me, and maybe even save me.  He didn’t do it.  He didn’t show up in my life at all after we moved closer to his family.  Hell he couldn’t even make it to baby classes with me.

I started to eat.  I started to read.  I started to escape, if only in my mind.  He had committed himself to his family-his parents and brother.  The kids and I were left to fend for ourselves emotionally, physically and mentally.  Not financially.  As he now points out whenever pressed, he  “paid for everything.”  Not true, but in his mind it is, so that’s fairly interesting.  Money=Love and Support?  Guess I should have joined a tennis club and had my nails done once a week instead of working in his family’s business for 18 years.  My contributions were apparently also not valued.

The point of this blog is really my role in all of this.  I am angry, hurt, shocked and enraged at his behavior, his dishonesty, his premeditated affair and his ability to come back and pretend nothing happened for 6 weeks afterwards. (What kind of a person does something like that?)  But what kind of a person allows their marriage to get to that point?  Who am I to not take better care of myself?  Who am I not to leave a marriage that was so loveless for so long? Who am I to actually have spent three months in a fetal position wanting him back?

I don’t really have answers for all those questions. I have a lot of shame about it though.  I tried to leave once and the reality was I couldn’t afford it and I was really trying to leave his family more than him.  In fact, I thought that once I got out, he would have an easier time of following me and then our lives could begin again.

Our lives are beginning again.  Just not together.  He is with HER (woman who sleeps with married men) and he has moved away (thank God).  I am here being Mom to two grown children and working through my own issues.  Working through the Victim in me and seeing the Woman that I truly am emerge.  So far, I like what I see.

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