Posted by: youluckybum | February 4, 2011

My relationship with me


As I allowed my thoughts to carry me to a victim place, I began to hesitate.  Feeling a bit neglected and abandoned (old habits die hard), I was beginning to think some common thoughts about no one caring, blah, blah, blah.  And I stopped.  I stopped and realized that I was giving power to my relationships with other people, but I wasn’t giving any power to my relationship with myself.

I am beginning to realize that I never really have.  I have learned to listen to my intuition because it has been right more than not.  But I have not really ever considered my own connection to myself.  In fact, when I think about it, I don’t really ever check in with myself.  Or honor myself  by stopping and considering what I really want in any given situation.  I have played the roles of wife and mother and in those roles I have definitely made choices.  Whether they were choices for me or for others is a whole other issue and somewhat irrelevant now.  But this idea of being with myself and honoring myself and caring about myself and what I think is kind of new.

To be honest, maybe it is a luxury that I can now afford myself that was not possible in many ways when my children were young and my marriage was in tact.  I don’t know.  But I do know that I have valued myself through the eyes of others for ever.  This is who I have been.  A people-pleaser to be sure.  If my parents were happy with my actions, then I was happy. If my boss was happy with my job, then I was happy. In fact, I would strive diligently to make these people happy.  It was part of my job some how.

Now I see it differently. I see how I gave myself away in these relationships. As a child, I think most kids do. My parents raised me pretty much the way they were raised, with a lot of guilt, shame, intimidation. I parented in a similar style until both my kids rebelled. They taught me that I didn’t know much about being a parent and that they were not intimidated by me nor would they do what I wanted them to do purely because I said so.  This has been a hard and painful lesson for me.  I didn’t question my parents authority much, and was therefore completely unprepared for two children that questioned mine on a daily basis.

But they hopefully were able to keep something of themselves in the process.  I am having to relearn or possibly learn for the first time what is means to have a relationship with myself.  My children are part of the reason I am now realizing this.  They are both strong, sensitive, independent thinkers and I am very proud of them both.  They are also way ahead of me in valuing their own Self and their relationship to themselves.

The single most important thing I am practicing right now is checking in with me.  How do I feel? What am I thinking? Where do I want to go? What do I want to do?  Sounds easy, but it is not necessarily so.  Sometimes I am feeling tired, slow, and sad.  I don’t feel like doing any of the things I need to do, should do or even want to do.  I sometimes don’t feel like doing anything that will make me feel better either.  I just want to veg out and do nothing.  This is probably a sign of depression and I am beginning to understand it.  I have been such a mental, in-my-head kind of person, that I can truly make myself sick and tired with my thinking.

But I am learning some valuable things.  I am learning that feelings that I stuff or ignore can literally make me sick.  After developing migraine headaches for the first time in my life and being forced to do nothing but lay in bed, I am beginning to understand myself better.  I am also learning tools on how to let those feelings out in a healthy way.  Stay tuned for another blog on that.

In the meantime, I leave you with a quote that I really like.  “Your behavior is irrelevant to my connection with me.”  In other words, I can and will be responsible for my relationship with me.  I cannot and will not be responsible for your connection with you.

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Responses

  1. I like that quote! We can’t be responsible for how anyone else is feeling, no matter what we do – or do not do – for them, in much the same way they can’t make us feel any better! It sounds selfish to say look after your own feelings, but nobody else can do that, only we know how we are feeling!

    I’m looking forward to reading your next blog!

  2. interesting post. i look forward to continue reading to see where your journey takes you.
    i hope you continue to pay attention to yourself and make yourself a priority.


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