My relationship with me

As I allowed my thoughts to carry me to a victim place, I began to hesitate.  Feeling a bit neglected and abandoned (old habits die hard), I was beginning to think some common thoughts about no one caring, blah, blah, blah.  And I stopped.  I stopped and realized that I was giving power to my relationships with other people, but I wasn’t giving any power to my relationship with myself.

I am beginning to realize that I never really have.  I have learned to listen to my intuition because it has been right more than not.  But I have not really ever considered my own connection to myself.  In fact, when I think about it, I don’t really ever check in with myself.  Or honor myself  by stopping and considering what I really want in any given situation.  I have played the roles of wife and mother and in those roles I have definitely made choices.  Whether they were choices for me or for others is a whole other issue and somewhat irrelevant now.  But this idea of being with myself and honoring myself and caring about myself and what I think is kind of new.

To be honest, maybe it is a luxury that I can now afford myself that was not possible in many ways when my children were young and my marriage was in tact.  I don’t know.  But I do know that I have valued myself through the eyes of others for ever.  This is who I have been.  A people-pleaser to be sure.  If my parents were happy with my actions, then I was happy. If my boss was happy with my job, then I was happy. In fact, I would strive diligently to make these people happy.  It was part of my job some how.

Now I see it differently. I see how I gave myself away in these relationships. As a child, I think most kids do. My parents raised me pretty much the way they were raised, with a lot of guilt, shame, intimidation. I parented in a similar style until both my kids rebelled. They taught me that I didn’t know much about being a parent and that they were not intimidated by me nor would they do what I wanted them to do purely because I said so.  This has been a hard and painful lesson for me.  I didn’t question my parents authority much, and was therefore completely unprepared for two children that questioned mine on a daily basis.

But they hopefully were able to keep something of themselves in the process.  I am having to relearn or possibly learn for the first time what is means to have a relationship with myself.  My children are part of the reason I am now realizing this.  They are both strong, sensitive, independent thinkers and I am very proud of them both.  They are also way ahead of me in valuing their own Self and their relationship to themselves.

The single most important thing I am practicing right now is checking in with me.  How do I feel? What am I thinking? Where do I want to go? What do I want to do?  Sounds easy, but it is not necessarily so.  Sometimes I am feeling tired, slow, and sad.  I don’t feel like doing any of the things I need to do, should do or even want to do.  I sometimes don’t feel like doing anything that will make me feel better either.  I just want to veg out and do nothing.  This is probably a sign of depression and I am beginning to understand it.  I have been such a mental, in-my-head kind of person, that I can truly make myself sick and tired with my thinking.

But I am learning some valuable things.  I am learning that feelings that I stuff or ignore can literally make me sick.  After developing migraine headaches for the first time in my life and being forced to do nothing but lay in bed, I am beginning to understand myself better.  I am also learning tools on how to let those feelings out in a healthy way.  Stay tuned for another blog on that.

In the meantime, I leave you with a quote that I really like.  “Your behavior is irrelevant to my connection with me.”  In other words, I can and will be responsible for my relationship with me.  I cannot and will not be responsible for your connection with you.