Posted by: youluckybum | February 8, 2011

Anger and Control

After using the bat and box technique (see previous blog) and letting out some of my anger and aggression, I have begun to look at my anger differently.  I am beginning to own it.  I see that being angry at someone else is about control.  I am angry at my ex because he wouldn’t do anything to make life better for himself or those around him. I am angry because he wouldn’t or couldn’t find his voice and speak his truth to his parents.  I am angry because he wouldn’t go to counseling and spent 7 years of our lives being a shell of a person.  I am angry because he would not do what I wanted him to do.

With this realization has come the truth, at least for me.  My anger is ALWAYS about control.  I believe I get angry when “things” don’t go my way.  More specifically, when people don’t do what I want, or what they have promised or what I believe they should do.  From the customer service department that makes me sit on hold forever only to tell me they can’t help me, to a banking error caused by the bank, to a son or daughter lying, to an ex that cheats; these scenarios all have one thing in common: lack of control on my part.

I can not nor will I ever be able to control other people.  So why try?  It just doesn’t work and it leads to pent-up anger, rage, and depression.  Yet somehow or other I believe many of us live our lives trying to control or manipulate others for our own sense of happiness.  Viewed from a different perspective, the question is:  What have I decided has to happen before I can be happy?  The answers run from kick an addiction, get my kids through college, pay off my mortgage, find my true love to love 25 pounds.  We all seem to have conditions in our thinking regarding our own happiness.  These conditions are often dependent on other people.  This is the real issue to deal with.

If my happiness is not dependent upon whether someone does what I want or not, then two things happen.  One, I am much less likely to get angry because I am not trying to control or manipulate someone else,  AND I can be happy whenever I choose.  I get to own my happiness.  Which I am seeing as a much better use of my time and energy. Seriously, I would much rather contemplate my own happiness  than my own anger. How about you?



  1. really like the insight in this post.
    my dad often quoted “God, Grant me the patience to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” for most of my life – it has helped me avoid a lot a of these kind of issues and i’m sure saved me precious blood pressure points…and loads of time in frustration. i still think about it whenever i find myself getting angry. well, that and “this too shall pass.”

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